Who am I fooling?
Probably no one but myself. Well, at least that is what it feels like.
For the past 3 months, my life has been more different than I care to share on the internet at this current moment. Most of you reading this know exactly what I am talking about though. And for those of you who don't..its not like some deep dark juicy gossip and it wouldn't effect your life in anyway. Even though I know how much my Savior loves me, I can't help but feel worthless sometimes.
I don't know what it is either. I can't put my finger on it. I pray and pray and pray the most sincere prayers I have ever said, but nothing yet.
Is it because I am adjusting to a new environment down here at school?
Is it because it's been 7 months since my last date?
Is it because I don't bare my testimony enough?
I don't know what it is. Putting my trust in the Lord is something that is very hard. I want to do it with all my heart and soul, but then my mind (being the way that it is) tends to think it knows best. Now don't get me wrong, I love that I have been tremendously blessed with my witty mind, but sometimes it definitely gets the better of me.
I pray at the most obscure times, usually within the drop of a hat, and it's like my world is better even for just a few minutes. Sometimes I don't even want to say Amen, because as soon as its over, life is happening again.
I don't know why I get like this at the most weird times of the day. It just randomly happens, and I have to take a breather and regather myself.
But back onto the subject of dating:
I don't really get why its been 7 months since I have been on a date. I don't mean any of this to sound cocky, but I've come to know myself in a way that is so much more broader than it ever has been before. I'm a wonderful person. I'm beautiful and intelligent in my thinking and I know my value. I'm sassy, fun, beautiful, and witty. Why could the old version of me get more dates than the new refined me? It's been troubling me a lot lately because I don't understand it. I know I could ask guys on dates, but I think it's their turn to ask me out. I've been doing it for the past 2 years minus one time.
Am I actually the total opposite and unappealing?
No matter what I look or feel like, Jesus loves me. I guess that is all that matters anyway.
You are a good person Alix Scott.. don't EVER forget that. I love when you post your testimony of things on your blog. Seriously, you've strengthened me. I have looked up to you for so long, and we can both agree it was when we met each other. Brady hadn't even left yet and you had 9 months left.... now look at us, you've moved on, you're down at Snow (Where I was!! Lol) and I have 10 months left... time heals all wounds and changes things, I promise you that :)
ReplyDeleteSometimes the Lord is watching, and waiting for you to make moves, which is what I've learned with prayer. Sometimes I pray and pray and pray like you do, some are very sincere, some of the longest prayers I've ever said, and some are just short and to the point, in my heart. But the one thing you have to remember is, "Pray as if it depends on God, then work as if it depends on you." Putting trust in God is KNOWING and BELIEVING that he will answer your prayers. NOT just hoping he will, or wondering when, or how... but KNOWING that he will, without a care of how, when, who, why, or what... it's really hard and I know it's something a lot of people battle with.
I know I don't know EVERYTHING that is going on in your life, and I don't know you personal personal struggles, but like you said, Jesus loves you, UNCONDITIONALLY PERFECT... and he always will.. :) Just keep going, Heavenly Father is watching you lead your life, now live it the way you know would allow him to be involved :)
Have fun at Snow Alix, enjoy every moment. Because it ends FAST.
Oh my gosh, I love you Ashley! I remember when you were brand new and how much you struggled with it but you always kept positive. Seriously, you were an example to me.
DeleteI would be lying if I said that I regretted waiting for a missionary. Because even though it didn't work out, my testimony was strengthened so much and I became closer to God. Sometimes its just hard to reflect on all my experiences-good or bad. But I know that because of everything, I am where I am today.
You are such a strong example in my life. Brady is a lucky man! :)
You told me exactly what I needed to hear!
I love you! <3
p.s. visit me soon?